Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
