My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
