Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sext me about skeletons
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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