I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
