two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
