this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
