Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
