Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
