they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
