So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
