I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
