i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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