Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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