She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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