Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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