I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I can text with my tongue
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
