In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
