the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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