I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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