I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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