Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
