Redeem this text for a blowjob
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How many fucks given?
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