Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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