I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
