I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
