MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
