Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
