she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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