My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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