Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
false alarm. still invincible.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Drunk is a universal language darling
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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