i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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