I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
