No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
