she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You took a bar mat shot.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
