Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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