im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
