we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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