dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
