your thong is hanging out like whoa
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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