yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
