what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
