in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
