You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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