soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
