Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
