She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
we're so committed to being not committed
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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