Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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