I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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