Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
