Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
