Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
