I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
