I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
