Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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