You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
