At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
