I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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