just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
