masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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