I hope mine doesn't look like that
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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