last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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