I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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