This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Operation Purity has been aborted
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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