So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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